House guest

Hi folks, I'm already thinking its going to be another hiatus week.  I guess this is just what summer brings and I should enjoy it.  However, the bf's mother arrived in town the other night from North Carolina.  She's staying with us till Wed so we'll be very busy.  Last night, bbq at my parents place and it was lovely but after that I'm not going to WW today.....  sorry.  (um that was an apology to myself, I never feel good about skipping).  So today we're going to go to the Farmers Market and then sit on the water front and eat some fresh seafood (cause thats what we're known for).  I think we're going to overdose the poor woman in seafood this week... .but she'll love it, and I'll enjoy eating it right along side her. 

I also sort of made a decision about my weight and that is that I am going to try and maintain for the rest of the summer to take some pressure off.  Maintaining will still be pressure..... always have to keep a little bit of pressure on myself or it'll all go out the window... but I'm not going to worry about losing right now... its too hard and its making me mental. ha.  So, I've decided to relax, keep doing what I'm doing and not expect to see loses, then I'm not setting myself up for dissapointment. 

Well, I can hear the mother-in-law stirring around in her room, she'll be up any minute now I better get off. 

Yesterday I learned something cool and do you think I can remember what it is now??? I hate that, I really have to start carrying a notepad or something.  lol. 

Let me think of what I've learned.... hmmmmm..... 
Well I learned a really neat new trick with Autocad if anyone cares hahhaah..  ok m-i-l is up... gotta run.

Peace xoxoxxooxoxoxoxxox

Today I learned...

... that I love running in the morning before work!  I got up at 6:10 this morning and ran 5k.  I figured I'd see lots of runners, I thought I'd be with my peeps.. all the serious runners who get up early and run before work..  ummmm nope...  old men.  Old men is all I saw. lol   I still love it, I never had so many people say good morning to me on the trail before.  This is my new thing (I think).. running before work..  WHO KNEW??

Today I learned...

... that a new Vegetarian restaurant has opened up in my town.  I'm excited to check it out. 
... lots more about my job.

I WILL WIN

Yesterday I was lying on the couch and starting thinking about how I've been struggling in the past week.  I was up 1.8 this week btw and it always bums me out and causes me to look at things a little closer.  So I'm thinking about how my job is changing things up for me, my shedule, my running and generally my system as a whole.  I started feeling hopeless and worrying that this could be a downward spiral.  Then it hit me... this is a challenge!  Am I really gonna let a little challenge like getting my dream job throw away everything I've spent the last year working on????  SURELY NOT!  This is me, damn it!  If some food thinks its going to kick MY ass, it has another thing coming.  I'm a superhero compared to a bag of chips and I've got to stop thinking it can win.  I WILL WIN!

Ok, I've decided that, probably soon like my running, blogging may have to be a before-work kinda deal.  Its 7:21 am and I've got to run soon (I mean off to work.. lol) 

Also, Saturday was my 52nd weigh in...  One whole year!  I'm planning to do a post on all the things I've learned in the last year and where I am now compared to then...  and I will as soon as I collect my thoughts.. Have a lovely day!

Today I learned...

... that theres enough salt in the ocean to cover the earth's surface 14" deep.

Today I learned...

... that Yoohoo used to be known as America's #1 energy drink.

I'm here and still learning

Oh I hate that I've been MIA for so long, but most of all I regret not reading any blogs in a week, I'm so far behind and I hate that!  I'm still here and still love you all.  I love my job, I've had a really great week.  Everyone is so nice and welcoming.  I just know that I'm really going to love it there and that this will be my career.

On the WW front, well, I'll be switching my day from Friday to Sat for obvious reasons which gives me an extra day but I still don't think its going to be too good. I'll get back on track but I forgot what its like to work in an office environment where theres always tempting food around and that 3 pm has chocolate calling my name...... not good!  I'll get my act together once I get prepared.  I need to find something to keep in the office to curb those cravings and get me thru to 5pm.  If anyone has any suggestions I would love that!  On a better note, I'm running again...  I've only been out twice because I've been so busy, but the main thing is my ankle is better and I still got it.

I'm so so sorry I haven't been keeping up with blogs... I feel so out of the loop.  I'll probably sit down on saturday with a nice cup of coffee while J's golfing and spend some quality time with my blog's.  Thats some quality time that I miss for sure.  See you then. 

ps- I'll sum up this whole week of "today I learned" with lots and lot and lots!  Job, people, the company...  I love my new job!

Peace xoxox

I'm too excited to miss sleeping in.

I've been on a bit of a hiatus but my internet is finally back up and running.  We're all settled in our new place and it really feels like home, I have to say.  Its 705 am and I'm leaving soon to start my new job.  Wish me luck.  I'll be back soon to let you all know how it went.  Cheers xo

Today I learned...

... that John Corbett and Bo Derek are a couple.
... that my parents are having a wonderful time in New Orleans.
... that I was up 0.6 lbs today.  Its all good.

The offer & what I wore

So you may have heard that I got the job.  Yes, THE job, my dream job.  The job I've been talking about for months now.  I've been visualizing working there since the day I applied, I willed it into reality.  I really believe that.  Something in my heart just told me I would work there.  Even though I made myself crazy I guess everything worth getting is worth stressing over... hehe.  Anyway, this is what I wore....

I took it the day before so I'm sans jewelry and hair & makeup.  I figured since I did take the picture I wouldn't let it go to waste.  Anyhoo, so the guy told me that it would be weeks but something in me told me that was bullshit.. I think he just wanted to see my reaction.  I spent all day yesterday cleaning my new apartment, getting some running around down and making calls to get everything set up and moving in the rain as well.  It was rainy and humid and sticky all day, I was a mess, I was in rags, my hair was frizzed out to no end and as I'm finally callling it a day heading back to my parents house my cell rings and its my new boss asking me to come by because he has an offer for me.  Panic & excitement sent me into a tizzy.  I pulled my elastic right out of my hair and franticly tried to whip it into something presentable (as I'm driving).  I ran home changed as fast as I could and was sitting in his office 20 mins later. 

So, the offer was amazing, they are going to pay me more than what I asked for (by $3000 annually).  I'm so blessed and so excited its surreal.  My boyfriend took me out to dinner and we celebrated with a bunch of the yummiest fattiest appetizers I think I've ever had (and um.. 2 celebratory beers..lol). 

So, I am planning to go to WW tomorrow but there will no surprises when I'm up... maybe even a couple pounds.. but I don't care.  There's too much going on and I'm too happy to let anything spoil my mood at this point.  So, thats that.... oh and I start Monday.  He told me that I could start the 26th but I'm like hell lets do this!! 

Big Brother night....  sweeeet..   Peace ladies xoxoxoxoxo

Today I learned...

... that I GOT THE JOB!!!! I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, I got the job, to be continued.  However, its late and its been a very very very very long and f'n wonderful day but now my head hurts so I'm going to bed to get up and move tomorrow... but I GOT THE JOB!!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Oh the humidity

Its so hot & sticky here its so gross.  Theres so much going on as well that, thanks to W F & G (women food & god) I have plenty of opportunity to test my emotional eating strength.  I figured out that being uncomfortable from the humidity makes me really tired which makes me want to eat.  We also signed a lease for a new place across town and we're moving this weekend.  We get the keys tomorrow but we'll probably spend all weekend taking things over bit by bit.  We'll spend the weekend at my parents anyway because they're taking a trip to New Orleans for their 35th wedding anniversary and someone has to take care of the cat.  Anyway, theres that.   I can't imagine the stress that would come with buying or, god forbid, building a house because just the short list of things we need to get done for a new apartment is so tedious and a little stressful.  There's the power, cable, internet, phone hookup, now to mention the actual moving.. . and why can't anything just be easy?  I had to call the power company twice yesterday because our power was not coming on and its always some glitch in the their system and a miscommunication which leads to power on the NEXT day and waiving of the connect fee...lol.  I'll pay the friggin connect fee just do it right the first time!!!!! Don't make me have to spend the day dealing with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ha anyway I'm trailing and what's much more important anyway is.........................

THE INTERVIEW!

Yesterday was my dream job interview that I've been talking about for um... months I guess at this point.  Well, I'm pleased to say that I nailed it!  I walked out of that building thinking I had the job in my pocket.  I know the guy that interviewed me which made it a little easier to have a raport.  However, knowing this guy also means I really needed to stay on point, and ultra-professional.  So, he told me that he was impressed with me, my resume and my portfolio.  He asked me if I was available to start right away but then told me that it would be weeks before I'd hear back from him.  Anyway, I'm feeling so great about it.  I'll keep you all posted.

I'm also struggling with weight a little this week.  I'm still not able to run, my ankle just will not heal right.  Yesterday I went for a walk and of course tried to run a little and I just keep tweaking it.  UGH. This is frustrating.  I feel with my running that if I don't keep it up I'll lose it.  I know that doesn't make sense but its how I'm feeling. 

Anyway, I have to go over to our new place and do so more cleaning.  Peace xoxo

Today I learned...

... that my interview went as good as I could have hoped and that I'll have to wait A FEW WEEKS to find out if I have the job!
... that I'm too hot & sticky & uncomfortable in this humidity to blog.

Today I learned...

... that "After Bite" is good for sunburns as well.

Today I learned...

... that cucumbers are fruits, therefore pickles are fruits.
... that we may be renting an apartment below my brothers new place and moving out of my parents.  woohoo.
... that Big Brother will have a Saboteur this season.  Yes, I'm a die-hard BB watchers ;)

Today I learned...

... that I can walk a long distance without pain.  I will try again tomorrow to walk a little further ;)
... that I love biscotti.

Women, Food and God

Last night I finished Women, Food and God and as promised here is my review.  This is just my personal opinion and only what I took from the book....  I do recommend reading it and you may get an entirely different message. 
As you may know I was a little skeptical when I started this book and I still remain semi skeptical but there were things in this book that made me cry, made me pull my feet off the ledge they were propped and sit up straight, make me a believer but most of all it got me to think.  There were things she (Geneen Roth) said in this book that I've never heard anyone say that hit me on such a level that it was honestly and completely comforting.  Its very possible that the information thats in this book is nothing new, maybe I've heard these concepts tossed around throughout my life but at that moment, in that chair reading that particular line something went click.

One thing that I really thought about during this book is self loathing.  When I was 50lbs heavier I was never ever one to talk down about myself (at least not out loud).  But I had friends who made fat jokes about themselves and I hated it.  It sounded terrible, desperate, and pathetic.  I don't know if I felt like I didn't need to further bring it to peoples attention that I was fat or if I felt that if I pretended I didn't know that I was people wouldn't notice either (I think that latter).  Since losing 47lbs, actually since having a good chunk of it off I find myself beating myself up more than ever!  Whats that about?  I hate my thighs still and I don't remember paying too much attention to them before and I always thought I was smaller than I was I just couldn't allow myself to look at pic of myself, those never lied.  I realize now that losing weight has peeled off layers I didn't know were there and I'm left completely vulnerable and uncomfortable.  I feel like people see me more clearly therefore are more likly to judge me.  How's that for eye opening, how did that escape me before?  Dunno, but I see it clear as day now.  Its also not just physical, I'm struggling with how people take being around me.  I used to love to be around people and now I feel like everyone hates me and I'm the most annoying person to be around.  The truth is people love me, they enjoy being around me, I'm told this all the time because I have a life-of-the-party kind of personality but I have to say that I really hate this about myself and am always wishing I was one of the girls that just fades into the background.

Ok, breathe.

The second thought that resonated with me is the idea of not allowing myself to feel pain.  The reason I was skeptical of this idea is because I do feel pain, I think I feel it all the time, but is the pain I'm feeling linked in anyway shape or form to food & weight?  A-ha.  She talks about something in the book that I've NEVER heard someone talk about before.  Something I have talked to my mother about and in my own mind have blamed her for because my whole life she was such a worrier and now I'm a compulsive worrier as well.  Here is an exerpt from the book;

"I used to think... that the less I showed up, the less it would hurt when I lost everything.  .............  Sometimes I shock myself.  Sometimes I wish my husband, Matt, would just die and get it overwith.  In my most regressed moments (seeing through the eyes of a child), I live between fearing doom and wishing for it, between worrying that Matt will die every time he walks out the door and convincing myself that I will be relieved when he does. "

Now the second part is a little hard to swallow because I never in my heart ever thought I wish J would just die and get it overwith because I really do believe losing him would break me.  The idea of it is too much to take.  I'm willing to accept that its only me and Geneen who have ever felt this way but every time J leaves the house I imagine that it will be the last time I see him.  I'm scared to death that my father will have a heart attack on the golf course and everytime my mother calls while I'm out I imagine if I don't call her back right away something may happen and I'll always live in regret.  Ok so, pretty heavy right?  This is the idea that I've created for myself that I cannot handle anything.  That I am not strong enough, that I will break, snap, my heart is not resilient and it will crumble.

It goes on to say that life as we know it is not intolerable, the pain has already happened and we continue to push it down instead of just feel it because, you know what?  We will be fine, out hearts will not crumble and we are stronger than we let ourselves be.  If we could just stop eating for a second to feel for one second we would discover that its not all that bad, well... we will. not. break. and thats the point

I really do believe that how these two points link up for me is that eating is creating a secondary issue.  One that is manageable, and in my control.  I started wondering if I eat to cover up pain.  I decided for the last two days to feel when I wanted to eat.  I have decided to try and listen to my body an what it wants and not what my head wants.  This will be hard but I think it will be worth the effort. 

"It takes great effort to be effortless at anything"

Ok so, sorry for the long post.  She does get into many other things in the book obviously, like eating guidelines, disengaging the "voice",  meditating.  This is just the two points that really stayed with me and, in a way, cracked me open.  I hope you all read it and share your thoughts. I hope it can be enlightening for you in some way.  Cheers

Today I learned...

... that I received a Sugar Doll blogger award - thanks Suzi Storm, my fellow beer drinking chica!
... that Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 90 days.

Today I learned...

... that reading Women Food and God has affected me more than I thought it would.
... that a walk on the beach in the evening fills my soul.
... that my brother and his wife got an apartment and are moving out.  Thus we will be taking over the basement...  woohoo. 

Still can't run...

I am sitting here this morning having my coffee and reading my blogs.  I love reading other people's blog especially when I feel I need fuel.  I always read them anyway but there are some days that I soak up every word.  I get filled by the struggles, I get filled by the "rampages" and I get filled by the A-ha moments and so on.  Today, I was reading about someones "stuggle" and it occured to me that I was feeling something similar this weekend.  I have lost almost 50lbs and I am 3-5 lbs away from goal but I was at a bridal shower with a bunch of teeny tiny girls in the their teeny tiny cute little outfits and I still feel embarrassed of my pudgy belly and my gross legs.  Oh I already beat myself up enough for letting myself feel that way.  I don't know which is worse the insecurity or the guilt for feeling it. 
Sometimes I feel when people come across my blog they might think oh she's at goal her struggle is over, she's got it figured out or even what does she have to complain about.  So, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, it doesn't get any easier.  Walking thru life and shopping does get easier, I will not lie about that but I'm talking about food struggles, which is why I'm here to begin with (blogland and WW) but I asked myself if it doesn't ever get any easier how are we ever supposed to live?  Then it hit me, my idea of living means being able to eat whatever I want whenever I want.  Eating all the wrong things at all the wrong times and eat as much crap as I want.  Yup that sounds like livin to me L-I-V-I-N.  But can't I just learn to enjoy good healthy foods and learn to give my body what it wants?  Thats a phrase I've heard bounced around lately and I wonder, how do I know what my body wants??  Well peeps, I guess I'm still searching......  to be continued.......

Still can't run, so I dedicate to staying within my points and eating really healthy this week.  This morning's weight 155.8.  Blah!

Today I learned...

... that my ankles is starting to feel slightly better.  I am really really really missing my run.
... that while I was dreading going to a bridal shower today I'm really glad I went.  Even though I over ate on delicious snack foods it was a good time

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Another hot weekend by the pool with a full house, and too much food and drinks.  I can see the summer is going to be a whole lot of this.  Well, I shouldn't complain, I'm actually really blessed  to have such a wonderful close family but I'm making myself always feel guilty about what I'm putting in my body.  My ankle is still out of commission.  I probably didn't take as good care of it as I should have because I really figured after a few days I'd be find but every day I wake up and it hurts just as much as the day before.  Finally, yesterday I bought a brace for it and it was the first relief I felt in a week.  Now my adorable neice/favorite little person in the world is here and I simply choose to chase her around and play with her.... ankle be damned.
I also started reading the book Woman, Food and God.  I have to say I'm very skeptical.  I'm not really one to read "self help books" and I have always struggled with the idea that my over-eating is a link to my past, or my child hood.  I guess on some level I believe that whole thing but I always find myself asking "is the reason I'm eating these chips because I didn't get something I needed as a kid".  I feel like if I keep digging and digging maybe I'll find something I can attribute it too but then whose to say thats the reason??  Who really knows??  Thats why I tend to lean towards the idea that its all bullshit.  I definitely do believe in emotional eating... but that makes perfect sense to me.  Food is comforting, it releases warm and fuzzy chemicals in the brain that ease pain and discomfort so on a very realistic level people eat when they're stressed, or sad, or frustrated and (for me) bored.   I've always struggled with eating out of boredom... that, and the fact that I love love love food.   Having said that, I do try to figure out why I love to be full..  maybe there is something in that.  Sometimes I feel like being full feels like a warm blanket around me. I don't like to eat till I'm satisfied...  ugh... when they talk about in WW I just want to gag...  full is where its at...  I'm never satisfied till I'm full.   Ok so anyway, I will read the book and I will keep an open mind and I will look for enlightenment but what I don't think I'm going to find is that one moment in my life that is causing me to always choose chips over apples.  I'm trying not to be synical but when it comes down to it I have to take responsibility that its all about choice.  These food make you fat - don't wanna be fat? don't these those foods.  Oh my...  hahahahahahaha if only it were that easy.  Maybe there is something to it...  maybe I even hope so. 

Today I learned...

... that 1 Stone equals 14 lbs.