Saturday, November 13, 2010

A little less than good

I finding the day to day to be a stuggle.  Every now and then I get REALLY resentful that I'm not the kind of person that can eat whatever I want to and never gain a lb.  I've always been this way and rebelled against it my whole like which is why I was over 200 lbs.  I lived my life like I could eat whatever, whenever and just enjoy it and move on.  But my weigh always reflected the rebellion.  I can diet with the best of them and lose weight like a champ but this is not how I was to live my life.  Thin - yes, having everything I put in my mouth taste a little worse than it could taste - no.  If only I could put butter on it, or sour cream, or regular cheese, regular mayo, regular bread, regular pasta.  Everything in my life has to be a little less than good all the time and I am soo completely resentful of this.  I am finding myself rebelling again and the weight is starting to come back on.  Very slowly....  slowly enough that I can convince myself I've still got it under control but I'm not sure I do anymore. I am lossing the grip.  I can feel it. 
I am still running which I guess is my saving grace, I still love it and probably always will but I will not use the excuse that its all I need to do, I know clearly its not.   I am still making good decisions for most of the day.  Mornings always start out good, lunch time is not bad, even mid afternoon is good most days but by the end of the day I have this feeling of stuffing...  Stuffing things into my mouth, down my throat, into my chest... for some reason even bigger bites feel most satifying than small ones, eating faster feels better than taking my time.  WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN???  I never used to think that food was related to feelings, or linked to something that happened to me in my past but I've also spent many years trying to figure out what it could be, if it was something like that.  I've never never never come up with an answer.  I always think that I've had a good life... but its something I think about every day.  I even went a few days without weighing myself because I realize that my whole day depends on what that number says.  What kind of a life is that???  So I decided to have a couple days where I just enjoyed how I felt and didn't base it on anything else.... but I guess in the back of my mind I knew it was because I had eaten like crap and couldn't bare it.
I've tried to identify my feelings in moments of overcoming urges to stuff my face and I always come up short...  its like the urges to eat are so loud it drowns everything else out.  Also, I will tell you, its not just the urge to eat, its also alcohol my body screams for. 

Last night after work I drove to the grocery store, got a box of wings & a salad for supper, went next door to the liquor store and got a 6 pack of beer.  Came home and ran 30 mins on the treadmill.  I forced myself to do this so I would feel less guilty for drink the beer and eating the wings, which I have to say was really tough because I felt in a total fog because my mind needed something stuffed down really bad.  After that I ate supper and had 2 beers.  Only 2... I didn't want anything else after that.  So what does that mean? Sometimes it only takes a glass of wine or a few beers and I'm back to good...  I guess thats why I've always been able to justify it because I never need to get 'drunk' or I don't find myself sitting on the floor in a pile of cupcakes but its a problem none the less. I've definitely got issues, I don't know where they come from and I don't know how to make them stop.  I know it never gets any easier, thats an understatement if I ever heard one...  I feel like I'm being tortured every day..... while I know its all in my head, I don't know how to make it stop.
I definitly felt good to write it out, thats for sure!!!  Oh and I did I mention I did all this last night with my weigh in being in 20 mins!  Ugh..  I'm up, its no surprise.