Thursday, May 6, 2010

I'm back and not in a good way....

so anyway, I'm back to continue this mornings post and I don't feel like I'm in any better a place.  I actually struggled all day with the notion of not going to WW tomorrow.  I have a couple free passes and I've been toying with using one.  I hate having those thoughts though because I believe in the notion of owning up to the week and being accountable.  The devil on my should however kept saying just blow it off then you can binge just like you've been dying to!!  I know that I'm emotional this week, my brother is getting married next week and I won't be attending.  My parents are taking off on Sunday and I feel like I'm being left behind.  I know I made the decision not to go without my bf and I own that, in fact, I don't waver on that decision one bit but honestly my family is everything to me and I just can't stand the idea of not being at my brothers wedding.  I'll never be in the pictures and the memories created from this trip.  So, maybe I'm making excuses for just wanting to eat lately but I really feel disheartened and when I'm disheartened I just don't care.  I'm not exactly sure how to get out of it and I'm pretty sure I'll just have to wait for it to pass, and it will pass, this I know for sure. 

I know that I'm stuggling with the last 5 lbs and I constantly remind myself that its only the last 5 lbs, its not the end of the world... i've climbed my mountain already and I'm nearing the end of this journey.  But is all that really true?  Isn't it a constant struggle?? Sometimes I hear myself rant about losing the last 5 and I'm a little embarrassed because I hear everyone else saying the things I've caught myself saying about other people who are almost at goal when I was 50lbs overweight...  oh god get over it.. .oh no you're 5 whole pounds over weight..  but here's the thing...  maybe I'll never be able to fully understand what someone is going thru being over 300 lbs and maybe some people will never understand what losing the last 5 feels like but I can say with the utmost certainty, this has not gotten easier for me, its getting harder and I don't know where to go from here. 

The scary thing for me is that I've been here before and I've cut myself some slack because I had it all figured out and hey whats gaining a pound when you only weigh 150 its totally tragic for me if I weigh 180 for example... but a lb is a lb is a lb and then one day all that slack I gave myself put me back up to 200 lbs.  Simple, easy, effortlessly.  So maybe I am neurotic about it all, in fact I completely own it, I know i'm a weightloss-aholic or a diet-aholic or whatever you might call it.  My boyfriend said to me the other day that he thinks I'm scared to be done losing weight, that somehow I'll feel like its all over.  He's so intuitive (and really cute) and well.. probably right.  I completely obsess about my weight and my points and then find myself mindlessly eating and not even knowing whats going in my mouth.. what is that about???  Anyway, this has gotten out of control..  I swear I'm not losing my mind, i'm just venting at a mile a minute because thats the mood I'm in right now.  I'm feeling sad these days and I just need for it to pass with time... and it will.   Oh and btw my watch came in the mail today, just in time for my bday... which is tomorrow.. blah.  So yay I'll totally blog about it soon..  its really really really awesome.. I love it!!  Later my peeps xoxoxoxoxox


{Absolutely, Positively} Josie said...

i am still just in awe of the fact that you are only five pounds away from goal. what you said about getting back up to "x size" because of all the slack really hits home for me, and a lot of others, too, i would guess. isn't funny what can happen "in the moment," and then all those moments add up. i really think our bodies are more serious about what we put in them than our heads are. our heads can forget what we ate 10 minutes later, but our bodies have to cope with it for however long it physically takes.
it sounds like you are really going through a lot emotionally right now. but, like you said, you just need time. it's wise of you to acknowledge that. and not eating to medicate is also an accomplishment!
happy birthday(early), although i'll probably say it again tomorrow! :P

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

There must be something about the beginning of May that puts us all in a funk. I'm sorry that you're having that struggle with the Final Five. Maybe you could try setting your mind to the challenge of "maintenance" right now and see if you can do that as a regrouping effort.

What would the consequence of not losing the Final Five be? Did you pick the highest number in your WW range and you're five away from that? Is 145 a special number for you? (Besides being my Driver's License Weight?!)

Diz said...

Girl, no one knows what you're talking about better than me. #1) totally in a funk as well, #2) Totally eat when I'm bummed about something, family is huge to me too, and I usually have to just wait it out too #3) I've been dealing with Final Five for the last 15 years (and then it goes back up, and then comes back down). I hate the final five and what it does to me. It DOES NOT get easier, I've learned (and believe) in my WW meetings that maintenance is actually the hardest place to get to and stay in. And I think being at the final five mark proves that. But you know what!? WE can do this. Yes, it may take a few days to get yourself out of the funk. It's taken me almost a month, but today I was really bored and sick of the funk that I've been in. I ate better today than I have in a month. Not a GREAT day, but getting there. Ready to finally face the music...

You will get there, hang tight. Maybe after the wedding you'll feel better.

I miss you too girl, xoxo--