Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Pillow Talk

Last night as I lay in bed, I said to my bf "why is it that I can never appreciate the weight I am right now?"  I feel like this weight loss challenge I've embarked on is not allowing me to be in the moment and appreciate where I am right now.  I'm always trying to lose another pound.  I lose that pound and all I can think of is the next pound and the next and the next.  It occured to me last night when I was thinking about how that morning I was 0.2 less than I was Monday of last week and how depressing that is to me.  But here's the kicker, when I had 30+ pounds on I would have killed to be the weight I am.  I'm sure I've even had conversations with my self that promised once I got to this weight I would be at least satisfied for the moment.  Still trying to get the rest off, obviously, but if I was this weight or in this "decade" of weight (160's, 170's, 180's even) I would have to be thrilled (its seemed so small to me back then).  Well, I am thrilled don't get me wrong but the longer I stay at one particular weight I start to feel like I'm going back up.  Does that happen to anyone else?  I'm not going up but because I'm not going down I feel blah.  This is a sickness I think, I'm a weight watcher-aholic, it is comsuming every minute of my life and I feel like I'm not present in the moment at any time.  Not taking a moment to realize I look good as I am right now. 
Then something completely different occured to me.  What happens when I am done with losing weight, and I'm trying to maintain.  Now, let me just say this, I have seen what me maintaining looks like and I can get by with 2-3 cheat meals per week and only running 2-3 days.  Already this screams danger for me, I don't ever want to start thinking that its ok to slip off my routine, but what happens when I don't have losing weight to consume my life, what will it be then?  What will I do when I'm not losing weight?  I'm starting to think I don't have it all figured out...  hmmm.... that is definitely a new concept to me......

On another note (and if this doesn't make me feel better nothing should), yesterday I was digging thru my draw of "comfy clothes" looking for something old I could wear painting.  I pulled out an a pair of sweats I hadn't worn in forever, I held them up and me and J just laughed.  He goes "good for you baby" hahaha.. they were HUGE.. omg I couldn't believe it, I threw them on since I'm never wearing them again anyway.  They had a draw string so I just tightened them up.  I spent the whole day hiking them up, it was really annoying they are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too big. lol


Diz said...

Best feeling in the world: clothes that are too loose (and dropping that next pound).

Don't give up Keri! I write this to you, and yet I need to hear my own words, and feel them. Some weeks we have great losses, some weeks it's a little slower. This is how it goes, right? I know the feeling of just wishing I could be happy where I'm at, but I also know that there is a place where I will be satisfied, and while I'm so thankful I've been able to lose, I know I'm not done. Sounds like you're in the same place. We can get there- so don't think about it too much! Just keep doing what you know you need to. :)

Congrats on the pants...best feeling in the world!