Food for thought...

I want to, at the end of this life, to be able to say "Oh, I get it."

Women, Food and God

Last night I finished Women, Food and God and as promised here is my review.  This is just my personal opinion and only what I took from the book....  I do recommend reading it and you may get an entirely different message. 
As you may know I was a little skeptical when I started this book and I still remain semi skeptical but there were things in this book that made me cry, made me pull my feet off the ledge they were propped and sit up straight, make me a believer but most of all it got me to think.  There were things she (Geneen Roth) said in this book that I've never heard anyone say that hit me on such a level that it was honestly and completely comforting.  Its very possible that the information thats in this book is nothing new, maybe I've heard these concepts tossed around throughout my life but at that moment, in that chair reading that particular line something went click.

One thing that I really thought about during this book is self loathing.  When I was 50lbs heavier I was never ever one to talk down about myself (at least not out loud).  But I had friends who made fat jokes about themselves and I hated it.  It sounded terrible, desperate, and pathetic.  I don't know if I felt like I didn't need to further bring it to peoples attention that I was fat or if I felt that if I pretended I didn't know that I was people wouldn't notice either (I think that latter).  Since losing 47lbs, actually since having a good chunk of it off I find myself beating myself up more than ever!  Whats that about?  I hate my thighs still and I don't remember paying too much attention to them before and I always thought I was smaller than I was I just couldn't allow myself to look at pic of myself, those never lied.  I realize now that losing weight has peeled off layers I didn't know were there and I'm left completely vulnerable and uncomfortable.  I feel like people see me more clearly therefore are more likly to judge me.  How's that for eye opening, how did that escape me before?  Dunno, but I see it clear as day now.  Its also not just physical, I'm struggling with how people take being around me.  I used to love to be around people and now I feel like everyone hates me and I'm the most annoying person to be around.  The truth is people love me, they enjoy being around me, I'm told this all the time because I have a life-of-the-party kind of personality but I have to say that I really hate this about myself and am always wishing I was one of the girls that just fades into the background.

Ok, breathe.

The second thought that resonated with me is the idea of not allowing myself to feel pain.  The reason I was skeptical of this idea is because I do feel pain, I think I feel it all the time, but is the pain I'm feeling linked in anyway shape or form to food & weight?  A-ha.  She talks about something in the book that I've NEVER heard someone talk about before.  Something I have talked to my mother about and in my own mind have blamed her for because my whole life she was such a worrier and now I'm a compulsive worrier as well.  Here is an exerpt from the book;

"I used to think... that the less I showed up, the less it would hurt when I lost everything.  .............  Sometimes I shock myself.  Sometimes I wish my husband, Matt, would just die and get it overwith.  In my most regressed moments (seeing through the eyes of a child), I live between fearing doom and wishing for it, between worrying that Matt will die every time he walks out the door and convincing myself that I will be relieved when he does. "

Now the second part is a little hard to swallow because I never in my heart ever thought I wish J would just die and get it overwith because I really do believe losing him would break me.  The idea of it is too much to take.  I'm willing to accept that its only me and Geneen who have ever felt this way but every time J leaves the house I imagine that it will be the last time I see him.  I'm scared to death that my father will have a heart attack on the golf course and everytime my mother calls while I'm out I imagine if I don't call her back right away something may happen and I'll always live in regret.  Ok so, pretty heavy right?  This is the idea that I've created for myself that I cannot handle anything.  That I am not strong enough, that I will break, snap, my heart is not resilient and it will crumble.

It goes on to say that life as we know it is not intolerable, the pain has already happened and we continue to push it down instead of just feel it because, you know what?  We will be fine, out hearts will not crumble and we are stronger than we let ourselves be.  If we could just stop eating for a second to feel for one second we would discover that its not all that bad, well... we will. not. break. and thats the point

I really do believe that how these two points link up for me is that eating is creating a secondary issue.  One that is manageable, and in my control.  I started wondering if I eat to cover up pain.  I decided for the last two days to feel when I wanted to eat.  I have decided to try and listen to my body an what it wants and not what my head wants.  This will be hard but I think it will be worth the effort. 

"It takes great effort to be effortless at anything"

Ok so, sorry for the long post.  She does get into many other things in the book obviously, like eating guidelines, disengaging the "voice",  meditating.  This is just the two points that really stayed with me and, in a way, cracked me open.  I hope you all read it and share your thoughts. I hope it can be enlightening for you in some way.  Cheers

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Another hot weekend by the pool with a full house, and too much food and drinks.  I can see the summer is going to be a whole lot of this.  Well, I shouldn't complain, I'm actually really blessed  to have such a wonderful close family but I'm making myself always feel guilty about what I'm putting in my body.  My ankle is still out of commission.  I probably didn't take as good care of it as I should have because I really figured after a few days I'd be find but every day I wake up and it hurts just as much as the day before.  Finally, yesterday I bought a brace for it and it was the first relief I felt in a week.  Now my adorable neice/favorite little person in the world is here and I simply choose to chase her around and play with her.... ankle be damned.
I also started reading the book Woman, Food and God.  I have to say I'm very skeptical.  I'm not really one to read "self help books" and I have always struggled with the idea that my over-eating is a link to my past, or my child hood.  I guess on some level I believe that whole thing but I always find myself asking "is the reason I'm eating these chips because I didn't get something I needed as a kid".  I feel like if I keep digging and digging maybe I'll find something I can attribute it too but then whose to say thats the reason??  Who really knows??  Thats why I tend to lean towards the idea that its all bullshit.  I definitely do believe in emotional eating... but that makes perfect sense to me.  Food is comforting, it releases warm and fuzzy chemicals in the brain that ease pain and discomfort so on a very realistic level people eat when they're stressed, or sad, or frustrated and (for me) bored.   I've always struggled with eating out of boredom... that, and the fact that I love love love food.   Having said that, I do try to figure out why I love to be full..  maybe there is something in that.  Sometimes I feel like being full feels like a warm blanket around me. I don't like to eat till I'm satisfied...  ugh... when they talk about in WW I just want to gag...  full is where its at...  I'm never satisfied till I'm full.   Ok so anyway, I will read the book and I will keep an open mind and I will look for enlightenment but what I don't think I'm going to find is that one moment in my life that is causing me to always choose chips over apples.  I'm trying not to be synical but when it comes down to it I have to take responsibility that its all about choice.  These food make you fat - don't wanna be fat? don't these those foods.  Oh my...  hahahahahahaha if only it were that easy.  Maybe there is something to it...  maybe I even hope so. 

I'm back and not in a good way....

so anyway, I'm back to continue this mornings post and I don't feel like I'm in any better a place.  I actually struggled all day with the notion of not going to WW tomorrow.  I have a couple free passes and I've been toying with using one.  I hate having those thoughts though because I believe in the notion of owning up to the week and being accountable.  The devil on my should however kept saying just blow it off then you can binge just like you've been dying to!!  I know that I'm emotional this week, my brother is getting married next week and I won't be attending.  My parents are taking off on Sunday and I feel like I'm being left behind.  I know I made the decision not to go without my bf and I own that, in fact, I don't waver on that decision one bit but honestly my family is everything to me and I just can't stand the idea of not being at my brothers wedding.  I'll never be in the pictures and the memories created from this trip.  So, maybe I'm making excuses for just wanting to eat lately but I really feel disheartened and when I'm disheartened I just don't care.  I'm not exactly sure how to get out of it and I'm pretty sure I'll just have to wait for it to pass, and it will pass, this I know for sure. 

I know that I'm stuggling with the last 5 lbs and I constantly remind myself that its only the last 5 lbs, its not the end of the world... i've climbed my mountain already and I'm nearing the end of this journey.  But is all that really true?  Isn't it a constant struggle?? Sometimes I hear myself rant about losing the last 5 and I'm a little embarrassed because I hear everyone else saying the things I've caught myself saying about other people who are almost at goal when I was 50lbs overweight...  oh god get over it.. .oh no you're 5 whole pounds over weight..  but here's the thing...  maybe I'll never be able to fully understand what someone is going thru being over 300 lbs and maybe some people will never understand what losing the last 5 feels like but I can say with the utmost certainty, this has not gotten easier for me, its getting harder and I don't know where to go from here. 

The scary thing for me is that I've been here before and I've cut myself some slack because I had it all figured out and hey whats gaining a pound when you only weigh 150 its totally tragic for me if I weigh 180 for example... but a lb is a lb is a lb and then one day all that slack I gave myself put me back up to 200 lbs.  Simple, easy, effortlessly.  So maybe I am neurotic about it all, in fact I completely own it, I know i'm a weightloss-aholic or a diet-aholic or whatever you might call it.  My boyfriend said to me the other day that he thinks I'm scared to be done losing weight, that somehow I'll feel like its all over.  He's so intuitive (and really cute) and well.. probably right.  I completely obsess about my weight and my points and then find myself mindlessly eating and not even knowing whats going in my mouth.. what is that about???  Anyway, this has gotten out of control..  I swear I'm not losing my mind, i'm just venting at a mile a minute because thats the mood I'm in right now.  I'm feeling sad these days and I just need for it to pass with time... and it will.   Oh and btw my watch came in the mail today, just in time for my bday... which is tomorrow.. blah.  So yay I'll totally blog about it soon..  its really really really awesome.. I love it!!  Later my peeps xoxoxoxoxox

Relentless

I'm back from WW and I lost 0.2.  Its the same old story, a loss is a loss.  I was happy I lost although I can always manage to make myself feel like it wasn't enough.  I always have the feeling of wanting to turn around and leave the meeting when I have a gain or a small loss but I never do...  I always always always stay for the meetings.  I feel like its the most important thing to do in that moment.  It starts my week out the right way and quite frankly I have known many people who never stayed for meetings and they don't do as well.  I truly believe there's something to it.  But anyways, sometimes (like today) I feel like I'm staying against my own will and today I sat there and went over in my mind how irresponsible I was this week.  Forget about the not running or exercising...  I always ate that extra cookie, I ate some meat, some cheese, hardly measured anthing and didn't track the end of most of my days....  it was just like I didn't care this week at all.  I never act this way.... I deserved to only lose 0.2 this week... even after gaining 0.8 last week.  So, as the meeting went on I started to feel a little more motivated, and I decided I was going to list what I WAS going to do this week & this month.

I will RUN. 
I will stay within my points
I'm not going to have a sip of alcohol this weekend.  I don't drink during the week anyway so it goes without saying.
I'm going to eat lots of veggies!!  I've been so slacking on this lately, and it makes me feel guilty.
I am going to count every little thing that goes into my mouth.
I'm going to try some new recipes, cause honestly I'm bored.
I'm going to get back to basics.  Today my leader talked about how gung ho we are when we first get started ~ I want that feeling back again.
water water water.
No meat!! 
I will get these last 5 lbs off...  Stop making excuses and just do it already.  Its too late in the game to start sabotaging myself now...  get a grip, get up and stay up!!  ooooh baby I'm channeling my inner Jillian!!

I really need to do this, I feel awful when I'm not motivated.  I really do think the weather has a major negative affect on my mood.... and guess what?  Its raining again today,  if this ever ends I swear I will run!! lol  I will I will I will....  I need it, my body needs it, my mind, heart and soul needs to run.   

Peace xo

Wow, I never knew that!

Its early in the morning (I can't sleep in any more), I'm sitting here alone just waiting to go to WW.  I think I'm down so I feel pretty good about it.  I was reading some of my comments and I noticed that sometimes people are interested in where exactly I learn things.  I have to say that ever since I began this journey, and put myself in a position where I look for something new I've learned every day, it has opened my eyes to lessons learned and just interesting facts that stop me in my thinking and I go "wow, I never knew that".  And something about learning a neat cool random fact about something kinda gives me tingles.  Honestly, when I learn something cool it thrills me, if my computer is in front of me I have to blog it right away but usually I just have to make myself remember it by the end of the day.. lol.  Then there are nights where I sit in front of my computer pondering the day, thinking come on I had to have learned something today.  Some days I'm bummed about what I've come up with and I'm dissappointed when I close my computer for the night.  However being able to sit down and look back through my day and think about things I've learned has been theraputic and enlightening for me.
So, to answer the question "where did I get that one from", in particular, the "oh bla di, oh bla da" I learned on Jeopardy last night.  It was the final question, the category was Beatles Songs and to be honest I didn't know that the Beatles even sang that song and I probably should have included that in the lesson.  But my sister-in-law got it before me and I looked at her and was  like "wow, I never knew that".  I've been singing that song ever since the show "Life Goes On"...  remember Corky everyone?????  Anyway, then the little light bulb goes on about my head...  ah hah!! Grab my computer, blog it down.

The other one I was asked about recently was the Alexander Graham Bell Ahoy one...  I was watching Glee and the instructor told that to his class.  Once again I said..... guess what......  "wow, I never knew that"... lol.  And folks that usually how it goes... I hope you all enjoy the facts as much as I do.  Maybe every now and then I'll include where/how exactly I pick things up.  Just another note though, I never go looking for info.  Sometimes I look stuff up just because I'm curious about definitions of words for example but usually its completely pure and authentic.  I challenge you to look for something new you learn today, I think it will change how you view your day.  Alright peeps, that all for now.  Wish me luck today!!  Peace

Today I learned...

... that Alexander Graham Bell liked to say Ahoy when answering the phone but it was Edison who thought Hello would be a more appropriate greeting.  (Glee.. lol)
... that I don't just have allegies, its a full on head cold!
... a new low 156.6 woohoo!
... that you just. never. know. what stories lie behind the profile pics in bloggerville.  I learned today that one particular blogger is a true survivor of her upbringing.  I feel humbled and proud to "know" her.

I'm so dull I can't even come up with a name for this post

Hey folks, so I feel like I'm a little detached this week and can't quite seem to get my bearings.  I keep meaning to blog and find myself with nothing to say.  Today, I just figured I'd start blogging and see where it takes me.  I'm back on track and feeling great!  I've been running everyday and eating really good.  I rejoin WW tomorrow and I feel good about it.  I'll probably be around what I was the last time I weighed and that is good enough for me.  I've decided to switch my weigh-in day to Friday instead of Saturday, its the meeting I used to go to before I was in the states but mainly because Friday in my household is pizza night... has been a tradition for years... so what can I say, I can't miss it. So, weigh in friday morning, indulge in pizza (and maybe beer) friday night.  It worked for me last summer.. lol. 
I went to a different grocery store than I usually do in my town and they have such an awesome health food section!! omg!  They had everything I have been reading about and dying to try, I had to hold back on some stuff though because it was getting expensive but I can't wait to start exploring tons of new foods. 

I'm learning that the more I talk about what I'm eating, or not eating, the more people scrutinize and watch what I eat.  I was talking about this burger joint that is so deadly in the states and I got this response "I thought you didn't eat meat" ugh I hate that.  I have said right from the beginning, yes I'm making some food alternatives but I reserve the right to eat a damn burger if the mood should strike... lol  Anyway, so now I just tell people I'm trying some different alternatives and new food options..  and btw might I add.. . LOVING everything I'm trying.  Except maybe Kale, I really blew that one.. but it does deserve another go I think.  I actually can't find Morning Star products up here which I find odd... so I tried another kind and I liked it just as much.  Well, I feel like this is kind of a boring post so far.  I promise that I will be struck with something so enlightening soon and just have to share it with you all.  Until I get my head on straight I'm just dull dull dull.  Still reading all your fab blogs though and you all continue to inspire me....  my rockstars xoxo

Oh what a hike

Today me and J went on a wonderful hike.  I've been feeling lately like I really needed to have my spirits lifted.  For no reason other than just winter.. I'm so over it.  It was a warm spring day here today and we took full advantage.  We drove out to South Mountain and hiked up to the falls.  It was A-Ma-Zing.  I've been there before a year ago and I can't tell you how much more of a joyous experience it was for me.  Its funny how you look at things differently when not every thought is consumed with "how fat do I look right now", or just being out of breath and sweaty because it is a strenuous hike.  I still got out of breath and sweaty at some points but it felt gooooood.  I knew I was getting my workout in, burning calories and doing wonderful things for my heart & soul.  Here of some pics.

Here we sat on some rocks beside a babbling brook, I was loving life at that very moment.  It was so calming and peaceful and I was enjoying soaking it all in and thinking about how this time around was such a difference and much more positive experience for me.  I feel like my spirit has been rejuvenated, there's nothing better than being in nature on a warm sunny day. 

Food for thought

Ok Josie @ http://apjosie.blogspot.com/  has excited me to do a little research to confirm what I already knew, but I came across this website which basically confirmed exactly what I thought to be true.  I especially love the 6th paragraph "Its the perfect tool..."   Anyway, I'm just on a tangent right now (or as Diz @ http://mybattlewithbulge.blogspot.com/ would say "a rampage"  haha so join me won't you!!!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Lose-Belly-Fat-by-Over-Eating-1-Day-Per-Week&id=1540218

Peace

Picture This

As someone who has done this journey before one of my biggest regrets is not taking progress pictures and not having enough pictures of me when I was at my smallest before.  I think there is one picture and my mom has it hangin on her wall.  When I gained all the weight back I used to stare at it and remember how good I felt and wonder "what happened??"  It wasn't a great picture and it bothered me that I never took more pics of myself when I felt so great and so skinny.  Any other time I would have hated having my picture taken.  When I restarted weight watchers I didn't realize that I was going to be as successful and again I had a regret... I didn't take any before pics.  I have plenty of pics of me overweight but none that I could really compare a good after shot too.  So, anyway this time I'm making my boyfriend take pics of me... lol.  Its feels so silly because I'm so not a vain person, I'm not that girl that just loves to pose for a pic, in fact, I'm usually the one holding the camera which is exactly why I'm not in my own pics.  But I'm really trying hard this time to get over it and document my progress and my journey.  I don't ever expect to put the weight back on but I just want to have a lot of pics of me at a time when I feel really good about myself, sexy & healthy, and even though I have another 15 or so to lose I still want to be able to compare myself to now once I get there.  So, I have decided to post pics of myself on here.  This makes me squimish, I hate the way my face looks in pics hahaha I'm not trying to be self-deprecating I just never think I look like me.  But since this is MY blog, MY journal, MY progress MY journey and basically all about ME I have decided to post a pic of MEEEEE.  Also, having posted progress photos a few blogs back I never thought it would have such an impact on me.  I know now, more than ever, that documenting my progress from here on is sooo important.  I hate that I never took measurements too, I would love to know how many inches I've lost but I'll never know and I'm not going back just to find out!!   Peace

<--- Ok this picture makes me want to cry (remember I said I didn't have any great before pics), but the really scary things is I did not birth that child but it looks like I should have, him and his 3 brothers.

Well I have to be honest, I'm having an anxiety attack right now.. lol.  I need to go run and decide for sure whether I can handle having these pics out there.  Help me!!

Sometimes that donut is just meant to be.

Today after my weight watchers meeting I did something I only do every other month (I swear) and that is go to Krispy Kreme for a donut after my weigh in.  There's actually one in the same parking lot as Weight Watchers, how mean is that??? Ok but usually I resist but today I said WTH...  oh and btw down 1 lb holla!
So I went in for my donut, my bf wouldn't go thru the drivethru for one donut (don't ask, I think he was trying to deter me).  I went up to the register, asked for the one I want and all of a sudden this woman that was behind me goes "here! Happy Valentines Day" and shoves a Valentine in my hand.. lol.  Ok wtf? I look down at it and it read "happy valentines day - one free donut - Krispy Kreme"..  hahahah I was so taken off guard I'm like are you sure? thanks...  i was so confused.. I asked the girl at the counter if it was good to use she said yeah and handed me my free donut.  lol.  As I turned around and exclaimed to the lady waaay to loudly thanks HAPPY VALENTINES DAY realizing afterwards it was weeks ago. ugh *blush*
The funny thing is stuff like this happens to me all the time, I always get deals when I'm not expecting them, like stuff will ring in cheaper at the register than the listed price,  I'm talking all the time this happens.  Positive energy people, can't stress it enough.
So as I get into the jeep and tell my bf what just happened he said, see aren't you glad I made you go in... typical. So the moral of the story ~ when a donut is meant to be its meant to be.

Trying to visualize warm weather *humph*

Just the other day I was blogging about running in a short sleeve shirt ~ today earsmuffs & gloves again.  Ugh, this winter is exhausting.  Its like a bad movie that just when you thinks it over it keeps going.  I'm so over it.  My parents are in Ft Myers right now, so jealous.  Well, the main thing is I ran even though it was cold.  I'm feeling extra motivated this week to exercise because I'm approaching a milestone.  Well, 2 actually but one I'm soooo excited about.  The first one is I'm 2.8 away from 40lbs, that will rock buuuuuut this morning I weighed 161.2 which means I'm 1.4 lbs away from being in the 150's!!!  I'm so excited about this I could scream.  My goal is 147 which means I'm on the homestretch!!  I am prepared to stay in the 150's for a while and that's ok because when I'm there I'll know that I'm just 10lbs overweight!! Boy is that a long way from where I was...
Anyway, another thing I wanted to talk about is visualization.  This morning before I ran I was sitting at my kitchen table, eating my oatmeal and filling out the first entries in my WW Journal.  Every morning I weigh myself and write it in my journal so I can keep track of up & downs and so on.  Well, beside this mornings weight I wrote big numbers 159, and I started just visualizing that number. 159 159 159 159.  Then I had a flashback..

**** Insert Note:  Right now my boyfriend is eating a Hot Pockets and chips and its smells so good I want to kill myself ****

Anyway back to my flashback, it was in the summer and I was in Nova Scotia running on my treadmill and I remember as I'm running going 179 179 179 179.  hahahaha..  Well I guess it worked, the 170's have come and gone like a faint memory in time. 
Do you guys visualize your dreams?  I know that when the "Secret" craze hit a lot of people I know jumped on this bandwagon of the "law of attraction" and so forth, I have actually been following this belief system since I was younger, my mom got me into it.   I really do believe if you put positive energy into the universe positive things will happen in your life.  I also don't rely on miracles to happen and I'm not expecting to see any talking snakes or burning bushes but as far as my life is going I'd say I've had everything in life I've ever needed...... even if from time to time I try to visualize diamonds and fancy running watches... hey its worth a try ;)
Hope you're all having a beautiful day!!

I bought a new mug last week (I love, and have a small collection of my favorite, big mugs) so in the spirit of my blog today, here it is.

Relax Deeply

Dream Big

Believe with all your Heart

Today I learned...

... that the smaller I get the more noticeable it is when I lose a small amount of weight.  This is a very. good. thing.

Today I learned...

... a new appreciation for what I weigh and how I look right now. 

Pillow Talk

Last night as I lay in bed, I said to my bf "why is it that I can never appreciate the weight I am right now?"  I feel like this weight loss challenge I've embarked on is not allowing me to be in the moment and appreciate where I am right now.  I'm always trying to lose another pound.  I lose that pound and all I can think of is the next pound and the next and the next.  It occured to me last night when I was thinking about how that morning I was 0.2 less than I was Monday of last week and how depressing that is to me.  But here's the kicker, when I had 30+ pounds on I would have killed to be the weight I am.  I'm sure I've even had conversations with my self that promised once I got to this weight I would be at least satisfied for the moment.  Still trying to get the rest off, obviously, but if I was this weight or in this "decade" of weight (160's, 170's, 180's even) I would have to be thrilled (its seemed so small to me back then).  Well, I am thrilled don't get me wrong but the longer I stay at one particular weight I start to feel like I'm going back up.  Does that happen to anyone else?  I'm not going up but because I'm not going down I feel blah.  This is a sickness I think, I'm a weight watcher-aholic, it is comsuming every minute of my life and I feel like I'm not present in the moment at any time.  Not taking a moment to realize I look good as I am right now. 
Then something completely different occured to me.  What happens when I am done with losing weight, and I'm trying to maintain.  Now, let me just say this, I have seen what me maintaining looks like and I can get by with 2-3 cheat meals per week and only running 2-3 days.  Already this screams danger for me, I don't ever want to start thinking that its ok to slip off my routine, but what happens when I don't have losing weight to consume my life, what will it be then?  What will I do when I'm not losing weight?  I'm starting to think I don't have it all figured out...  hmmm.... that is definitely a new concept to me......

On another note (and if this doesn't make me feel better nothing should), yesterday I was digging thru my draw of "comfy clothes" looking for something old I could wear painting.  I pulled out an a pair of sweats I hadn't worn in forever, I held them up and me and J just laughed.  He goes "good for you baby" hahaha.. they were HUGE.. omg I couldn't believe it, I threw them on since I'm never wearing them again anyway.  They had a draw string so I just tightened them up.  I spent the whole day hiking them up, it was really annoying they are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too big. lol

Food for thought...

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change

FAT CLOTHES

I just want to start off by saying I just watched one of the worst movies I ever saw - Rachel Getting Married.  LOL ok, but it brings me to my rant.  I was so bored I started staring over at my closet and something occured to me.  I noticed that at the end of my closet is a collection of clothes that got pushed to the end because I don't wear them anymore...... the fat clothes, we all got 'em.  So here's my dilemma, I go back and forth over what to do with fat clothes.  Since I'm a regainer, a former thin chick, sometimes I think back to all the clothes I gave away that first time I lost a pile and when I regained I thought I wish I never gave that shirt away, or skirt... etc.  They say get rid of the big clothes and I do totally agree with this.  You have to go in swearing you'll never put it back on... just have to.  Anyway, I also want to say that I LOATHED when people would give me their fat clothes.  Hate hate hate it, I hated being over weight, I was dillusional about it and that anyway saw me this way.  When people would hand me their jeans that are too big for them, it felt like "hey I thought of all the people in my life that are much bigger than me and your name was on the top of the list".  Now, I know this would never be the intention of anyone to make me feel this way, but hey when you're overweight you're sensitive about it.  However, now I'm in the position of having a bunch of clothes I'll never wear again and some really nice stuff that I hate don't fit me anymore (i'm not complaining!!).  It would love to pass on the nice clothes to someone I love but I don't have it in me to say "this doesn't fit me anymore, yay for me, but hey you're still fat, want it?".  Obviously that would never come out of my mouth, but fat clothes really are a dilemma for me.  I know I'll just end up giving them to good-will because I don't have the heart to make someone else feel the way I did.  Ok rant over.

Today I learned...

... my bf feels very strongly about me taking his last name if/when we get married.  I couldn't be happier that he feels this way.  This conversation was sparked after a controversial article I read today. 
What are you thoughts?
 http://www.embracethechaos.ca/  (I'm not a Mrs.)

Did anyone watch Celebrity Fit Club last night?

Ok, I've only ever watched this show a few times and I never liked it even a 10th of how much I love Biggest Loser so I refused to watch it, and quite frankly I HATE when shows have so-called celebrities and I haven't heard of half of them.  Anyway, I digress, but since K-Fed & B Brown were on it I thought I'd check it out for curiousity sake.  Really not bad.   So, they weigh in at the end of the show and I knew that Nicole Eggert had put on some weight because she's been in the tabloids a bit and I'll be honest, it looks like she's carrying around an extra 30-40 lbs from her Baywatch days... and if you were on Baywatch you're sort of held to a certain standard.  Now let me just say this, by my standards I think she looks fabulous, the extra weight looks good on her and whatever.. ya know?  So she steps on the scale and I literally said to my boyfriend "mmm I'd say 165-170"  and then my jaw dropped open...   wait for it..........  130lbs!!!!  Did you see it???  Omg.. ok so that brings me back to something I was just talking about a few days ago.  I sat there with my mouth gaped open I couldn't believe it.  The doctor on the show said, "you know most people would even wonder why you're here"... she said that she's used to being 99lbs..  (which is completely insane in itself).  But its just proves two points 1). You really can't tell how much a person weighs by looking at them, people all carry it different and someones else's 125 might be my 150, you just can't tell and you can NEVER judge your weight & appearance by what someone else looks like.  and 2).  I cannot say this enough, if you're used to being a certain weight and you're carrying an extra 20lbs -30lb pounds around (even 10) YOU FEEEEEEL IT.   You feel it everywhere, every minute of every day...  in the mirror, in the shower, in your jeans, in the arms of someone else..    Am I right ladies, or am I right?