Time Flies

Wow, hard to believe my last post was about getting engaged, in 12 days I tie the knot.  I can't believe where the time has gone.   I would imagine if you're pregnant nine months drags on, if you wanna make it disappear, plan a wedding!!  We are so super excited about the big day, I just walked down the aisle as bridesmaid this past Saturday, and while I thought it would make me calm down about my own big day, unfortunately it has amped my anxiety to whole new level. 

I'm really trying to absorb as much as I can because I know it will be gone in a second.  Althought I have a knot in my stomach I have never been happier in my life!

love and miss you all.

Finally!!

No I didn't get to goal.. lol  I got ENGAGED!!  New years eve my gorgeous boyfriend of 5 years finally popped the question.  Its a dream come true.  I'm so happy and soooo in love with my ring.. lol
Hope everyone is doing great, I'm totally over the moon with excitement.  I've put on a bit of weight over the holidays so i'm about 10 lbs from goal and still running although the winter has affected that a bit as well.  But i did make a new years resolution to lose the last ten pounds and I'm still very determined!
Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and I'll be back to catch up ;)  peace xoxox

A little less than good

I finding the day to day to be a stuggle.  Every now and then I get REALLY resentful that I'm not the kind of person that can eat whatever I want to and never gain a lb.  I've always been this way and rebelled against it my whole like which is why I was over 200 lbs.  I lived my life like I could eat whatever, whenever and just enjoy it and move on.  But my weigh always reflected the rebellion.  I can diet with the best of them and lose weight like a champ but this is not how I was to live my life.  Thin - yes, having everything I put in my mouth taste a little worse than it could taste - no.  If only I could put butter on it, or sour cream, or regular cheese, regular mayo, regular bread, regular pasta.  Everything in my life has to be a little less than good all the time and I am soo completely resentful of this.  I am finding myself rebelling again and the weight is starting to come back on.  Very slowly....  slowly enough that I can convince myself I've still got it under control but I'm not sure I do anymore. I am lossing the grip.  I can feel it. 
I am still running which I guess is my saving grace, I still love it and probably always will but I will not use the excuse that its all I need to do, I know clearly its not.   I am still making good decisions for most of the day.  Mornings always start out good, lunch time is not bad, even mid afternoon is good most days but by the end of the day I have this feeling of stuffing...  Stuffing things into my mouth, down my throat, into my chest... for some reason even bigger bites feel most satifying than small ones, eating faster feels better than taking my time.  WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN???  I never used to think that food was related to feelings, or linked to something that happened to me in my past but I've also spent many years trying to figure out what it could be, if it was something like that.  I've never never never come up with an answer.  I always think that I've had a good life... but its something I think about every day.  I even went a few days without weighing myself because I realize that my whole day depends on what that number says.  What kind of a life is that???  So I decided to have a couple days where I just enjoyed how I felt and didn't base it on anything else.... but I guess in the back of my mind I knew it was because I had eaten like crap and couldn't bare it.
I've tried to identify my feelings in moments of overcoming urges to stuff my face and I always come up short...  its like the urges to eat are so loud it drowns everything else out.  Also, I will tell you, its not just the urge to eat, its also alcohol my body screams for. 

Last night after work I drove to the grocery store, got a box of wings & a salad for supper, went next door to the liquor store and got a 6 pack of beer.  Came home and ran 30 mins on the treadmill.  I forced myself to do this so I would feel less guilty for drink the beer and eating the wings, which I have to say was really tough because I felt in a total fog because my mind needed something stuffed down really bad.  After that I ate supper and had 2 beers.  Only 2... I didn't want anything else after that.  So what does that mean? Sometimes it only takes a glass of wine or a few beers and I'm back to good...  I guess thats why I've always been able to justify it because I never need to get 'drunk' or I don't find myself sitting on the floor in a pile of cupcakes but its a problem none the less. I've definitely got issues, I don't know where they come from and I don't know how to make them stop.  I know it never gets any easier, thats an understatement if I ever heard one...  I feel like I'm being tortured every day..... while I know its all in my head, I don't know how to make it stop.
I definitly felt good to write it out, thats for sure!!!  Oh and I did I mention I did all this last night with my weigh in being in 20 mins!  Ugh..  I'm up, its no surprise.

Food for thought...

I want to, at the end of this life, to be able to say "Oh, I get it."

Help!

So I'm still running, still journaling, still getting weighed in, still counting my points and STILL stuck in a plateau.  Hovering within the same 3 -5 lbs for months now.  Running doesn't seem to give me the boost it used to and I've added distance.  I don't know what else to do.  I tried that low-carb thing, that lasted about a day!  I can't go without carbs!!!!  Am I insane?
If anyone has any ideas about busting thru a plateau I sure would love to hear it.  I would just love to get to goal once and for all, I'm so close yet the dream seems to be getting farther and farther away. 
Help!

Today I learned...

... that its John Lennon's 70th Bday.  Rest in peace.

Is anyone out there?

Hi Peeps so I realize I've been sort of absent lately.. I suck.. . I get it.  Lots of things seem to be neglected in my life and this just happens to be one of them.  The weird thing is that its not even the blog that I can't bring myself to, lately I haven't had the slightest desire to get on my computer... its really bizarre.  I'm so super busy at work and I'm still running alot so between those two things and TV.. (hello premier week!!!!)  not much else is getting my attention.  I'm stuck in the middle of a summer long plateau, I'm still going to WW but I've been losing and gaining the same 3 lbs for months. 

So, this is my new idea... I'm considering doing a low-carb thing to shake things up.  I'm not talking no carbs.. just trying to cut back on them  Not only do I need to jumpstart this weight loss I also need to lose this belly fat..  I have the worst pudgy belly and have always had it.. even since I was a teenager I've had a donut around my belly button.  Its gotten smaller since losing weight but its still there and it bugs me.  I remember doing "no carb" about 10 years ago and lost a bunch of weight and I remember that my stomach started to flatten.  Of course I gained all the weight back and more because thats what happens which is why this time I just want to lower my carb intake. 

I didn't really think I had an issue with carbs because I don't get bloated all too often unlike my mother who bloats out anytime she eats carbs..  but I decided to just think about what I was eating for a few days and I noticed that I eat a  TON of carbs..  I think that I just need to be more conscious and switch out carbs for other stuff.  We'll see how it goes!  I would love to hear other peoples opinions on this.. does anyway do a low carb or if anyone has any substitues ideas that would be awesome!! I hope there are still some people out there that will read my post.. hahahaha  I've missed you all and it feels great to be back!

Today I learned...

... that they've located a new planet.  The name is Gleiss 581G it does have a moon and a hemisphere.  Its 20 light years away, has a 37 day year and is the most earth-like planet thats been found!!  Cool.
... that Gin is made from Juniper berries.

Today I learned...

... that I haven't blogged in over a week!! Omg you guys, I'm still here I'm just scatterbrained lately.  I'll chat soon.  Miss & love you all!

Today I learned...

... that a person who makes barrells is called a Cooper.